i wish I knew what the solution was. for the longest time just thought I was lazy and needed to just work harder. I find out I have ADD, and it explains why when I attempt to do housework I start to get overwhelmed because the to do list in my head is constantly growing.
when I learned about ADD and read other peoples stories online I was so excited. wow, could I really think more clearly, forget less and get things done? I've spent years on antidepressants, not really getting much out of them. and when you are 'pleasant' most of the time you forget to mention the times you snap at your family to the Dr who could adjust your meds. the last antidepressant I took made me dizzy, for weeks. I stopped taking it. I noticed that I had fewer mood swings. I was less frustrated with other people. I didn't feel constantly misunderstood. soon after this is when i start strattera. this is another antidepressant i turned into cranky woman while I was waiting to feel more motivated. i kept waiting to feel more 'clear' to suddenly see how easy it would be to clean my house if i would just get my ass of the couch. that never happened. I was given an rx for generic ritalin, very low dose. this is fun. i feel a little different for a little bit if time each day.. I call to let the dr know. .. now i get to do this 2x per day woo hoo. the cranky woman has come back again too. seems its because of my period. super. what do i do about it? its time fora gyne appt anyways, but I am putting it off. too many appt lately. dentist x4 of us orthodontist x2, oral surgeon x2. not to mention therapist and drs appts for ds14. I think its time for eye dr appts too, how exciting. maybe I'll forget to order contacts 3 yrs in a row.
has anything in my life changed recently? sure, I changed meds.. my gma was in the hospital. I was going to visit a couple times a week. now its about 1x/wk, but she needs me more. I just don't want to. she has therapists, nurses, oxygen... she wants to give me her car.... add that to my list of things to do.
I really need to get a job it would be nice if i could keep it too. haven't kept a job for more than a few months in 7 yrs . maybe i was good at keeping house i wouldn't feel so guilty about not working. I'm still waiting to get my house clean.
when i first started the ritalin i felt an improvement and started to do some housework. things ended like they would any other time with me getting overwhelmed and stopping. I avoid staring anything these days. I'm voiding the rush of thoughts, the other things that go thru my head. the things that i feel i need to do add up faster than I can do them. then at some point i have to switch gears, to go to the bathroom, to make dinner, an appointment, whatever and then in comes the frustration again. isn't it easier just to not start . I'll feel lousy either way. just calmer without the rush of to-dos.
I thought that after being dx'd i would have some kind of plan of how to deal with my add symptoms and be feeling better. I felt the best I had in a long time in the period of time between the bupropion and the strattera. I even decided to let G live. ok fine lets get married... wanna make another baby? no. hmmm. things are better than they have been in years. (G has a decent paying job with super insurance.I am not fooling around with anyone else. I was even going to church for a whiile) I'll lose some weight, declutter the house, get a job and then you won't think its such a bad idea. I won't feel selfish when everyone tries to make me feel irresponsible. ' you don't have room for a baby. you cant afford more kids.' blah blah blah .
I don't even mention wanting a baby to therapist, gyne or bff because I have enough negative thoughts, don't want to add to them or reinforce any of them. if I could pull out my own iud I wouldn't even have to mention it to gyne. no one could stop me. right now i am the only thing in my own way. but gee it doesn't really seem like a good idea right now .I don't think pregnancy and add meds mix very well.
what is dr going to do when i see him in a week? up meds, switch again? thankfully i took a pill an our or 2 ago or i would have lost my train of thought a while ago. typing on this teeny laptop isn't too easy tho.
'I'm not very good at therapy. I've done it for years but i have never accomplished anything. i don't really have anything to say at a scheduled appointment . if only i could email wen i need help. or get therapist to read blog. i can only get thoughts out in small bursts. today is unusual.
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